Hang your Christmas tree lights in October

This morning I started the day at the dentist. 10 minutes late for my cleaning, teeth brushed, no food or coffee in me, I settled into the reclining chair with the bright light in my face. Exchanges between Obama and McCain on replay in my head from the night before as well as the news from NPR sinking in from my drive. The intensity of the world financial situation, like an earthquake in reverse. The boom went off everywhere and now it seems to be circling in, ring-like closer and closer to home.

With this heavy mindset I greeted my hygienist. I never can remember their names but they always greet me like we had lunch together just the other day. In her chipper way Nurse No Name comments of course on the weather and how brisk it is. I replied, "yes, amazing" and then told her that I saw some guy wearing gloves waiting for the bus. I think I logged this detail expressly, yet unconsciously, while driving here just because if adult life has taught me one thing, it's always be ready to talk about the weather.

As an add-on to the weather dialog, Nurse NN volunteers that she really loves this weekend coming up, Columbus Day, because she figured out a few years ago that if she hangs her Christmas lights now and just keeps them off until after Thanksgiving, she saves herself the hassle of wrestling with the lights in sub-zero weather. As she put it, "45 minutes in October is nuthin', but in December, it's a reallybigdeal!"

At that moment, my light bulb, (can't resist) went off and I realized, I have no words of wisdom whatsoever for these incredible times, other than it might be time to hang your lights. You may be needing them soon and it's only getting coldah.

Making space for possiblities

Has been a long time since I last posted. This is not for lack of thinking about it. It has to do with feeling stuck with nothing to say. Haven't felt like I had any worthwhile advice for quite a while.

Until this past weekend. I had time at home with my little guy. Husband was in NY and I had dialed back any plans with friends to just the minimum. We went to a friend's incredible new house in my favorite neighborhood for brunch. I couldn't be happier for her or feel there's a better person to live her life. However, I came home on Sunday and curled up in my bed while my little boy slept. I was crushed, sad and wanting a life other than mine. Her beautiful, spacious house with wallpaper, excessive numbers of bathrooms, double Viking ovens she wasn't quite sure what they were for...

After about 15 mins of not sleeping, not crying, not writing, not talking, just wallowing, I turned to a book I was given I don't even know how long ago nor by whom. I put it on my Amazon Wishlist a long time ago and then neglected it. Let it get dusty with the other great ideas I have scattered about.

The book is called Creating Sacred Space with Fung Shui by Karen Kingston. She talks about the energy of objects, rooms and spaces and how our spaces accumulate residue from the experiences we have within them the way cobwebs build up in corners if you don't clean from time to time.

I looked around my room, my house, the car, the garage and realized I had been neglecting the space I'm in now for as long or longer as I've felt stuck. My office no longer felt welcoming, my pantry was overflowing with stuff, my car was dusty and grimy, my sewing machine in disorder and stacks and stacks of papers.

It was no wonder I was constantly feeling overwhelmed, like there was no time to get to all my ambitions! I was burying myself. I realized if I want to create light and space and freedom in my life, I need to create that in my home. Kingston talks about the external home being a direct reflection of the internal life. WELL YES! HELLO!


Needless to say, the house is in major overhaul. My office is much cleaner, tidy-er and feels like a space where I can actually realize my aspirations. I have cracked open the wedding box from the garage, only 6 years later, to weed out documents that no longer need storage and pictures that finally can be put in books. I can honor my marriage, not neglect it on a shelf for a later date. And so it is going and it is ENERGIZING and fun and I have shaken my envy of my lucky friend. She has her space and I have mine and I love both.

You get what you get and sometimes that's a good thing

View from our upstairs window tonight. 

Something has shifted in me lately and I'm so glad. I was anguishing for the past months, feeling doubtful about my future and about how I got to where I am now. Judging myself for not having an advance degree, feeling fearful about how to have a second pregnancy in light of money concerns and being in a new job. I have been sad when I drop off my son, feeling like I'm doing him an injustice shuttling him to someone else everyday. I've been short with and tough on my husband blaming him for some of our current circumstances.

I think all the inner turmoil peaked when I got the dreaded call from my Dr. that a mammogram, my first, raised some doubts and I needed to go back for a second look. I realize now in retrospect I really don't have the capacity to deal with this kind of news. I shoved it down and didn't actually acknowledge it. I just wanted to get the second views taken and move past this. All my fears about dying young, leaving my son behind, not doing all I want to do, etc. came to the surface but instead of seeking comfort I simply froze my heart and pushed through it. This was tough for me but probably 10x's harder for my husband. I was unreachable.

I am fine. The second scans came back and I got the all clear. They even send a letter in the mail to say, all clear. A very nice touch. 

Shortly thereafter lots of other clouds passed: we paid off our last debt - a remnant of our move to ME and our tendency to say, "we need it" even when we really don't. I have had a couple of proud work moments from standing my ground in challenging confrontations.  I've found there are real joys there and am working on some exciting projects. Ultimately, there may be regrets I'll have with my son for not being home with him everyday, but for now I have to believe we're both going to be okay. 

Anyway, the point of this post is you get what you get and sometimes that's a good thing. To demonstrate - this summer we're getting a weekly portion of food from an amazing CSA out in Scarborough. We got a few greens and a few of this-and-that's this week. Upon first glance nothing too sexy or inticing. But, after following the recipe on The Broadturn Farm blog, I discovered the most wonderful pasta meal we've had in ages. Fresh, delicious and a little unexpected. 

Giving Thanks Daily

A great way to connect with your kids &/or significant other every day: mark the start of dinner with a moment where you all hold hands and express what you are thankful for. 

It's a pretty delightful thing to hear what comes out of my little toddler every night. Typically he's thankful for some form of transportation. 

We've had:

 

- Trucks (the all encompassing category, followed by the question, "Are you thankful for trucks?") This single thing has been on the thankful list for a good 6 months running.

 

More specifically, we've had:  

- Moving Trucks

- Airplanes

- Airplanes that carry moving trucks

Also mentioned with some degree of frequency:

- Generators

- Grandma and Grandpa

- The sun

- and my favorite "you" (directed at me and his dad)

Anyway, this tradition is borne out of my upbringing where we prayed every night - a rote, Catholic chant that we tore through as quickly as possible just to get to the part where my mom would say, "Anyone want to say anything?", which was our open invitation to beg God for something we needed, i.e. my sister to stop touching me or bugging me or telling me what to do.

Now that giving thanks is part of our daily life, it's a really lovely pause in our day. Many, many times it has been the stopping point where I collect my breath, my thoughts and my always forward moving energy to just realize how much I actually have already.

Don't drink at auctions

Last night we went to an auction.

Had a glass of wine - no bids.

Had a beer. Encouraged husband to bid on a surfboard and wetsuit package. (Silent Auction) We won.

Had another beer. Live auction begins. High bid item of the night. A power blue Vespa. Bidding begins. A little slow. My hand goes up on second price called out. (I figured I could get some action going in the room.) A minute later. I own a Vespa.

Not priceless.

Now I'm looking for a buyer. 

Your World is Your Mirror

Even if your world might include friends thousands of miles away. And if it's any indication of how right on the two previous posts were in summing up the general consensus, it takes me so much time in between posts that I forget my username & password pretty much every time I go to post.

As we speak, my husband keeps asking me questions as I try to type, my 21 year old has MOMENTARILY stopped calling my name - we are struggling with a new round of separation anxiety since I went from two 6 hour days out of the home to do errands & tend to my (lack of) business, to three to four 8 hour days away and the start of daycare - and yes, life is in flux.

Sometimes "enjoying the present", despite my best efforts and earnest last post, seems like a luxury outside of the realities of day to day existence and working for a paycheck. But that's where carving out the time for yoga steps in - and padding my work days for "me time", both of which are my advice for today of leading a satisfying life when balancing work and family and self. Advice I am working hard to follow! Then of course, the guilt steps in when I think I could have spent that "me time" with my toddler, who I am missing. And who is obviously missing me. Ugh.

But I still think it's better than feeling completely like the life effort is all output, no input.

Missing you friends, feeling the relief of those who GET IT, and looking forward to the next time we are all together.

And PS - credit goes to Moonmama, c.1997-ish, for the "World is Your Mirror" title here.

Well, you said it...

Adrift is an appropriate word among the well of adjectives I could use to describe how I'm feeling these days. For those of you not intimate with this foursome, I'm one of the pregnant ones referred to below. This time of life, not necessarily the age, but the "having babies" and "making career choices" time is quite a mystifying one.

Things were pretty simple in my twenties and early thirties when I was full of ambition, adventure and freedom. I currently have a watered down version of the first, ambition, which waxes and wanes with the moon. This has alot to do with my 2 year old whom I cherish with all of my being and the fact that I know my days are numbered with this little guy. If he's anything like me - he'll hit 12 and bye bye to Mama. But how to quash the middle of the night thoughts of getting back into a power position - one that provides all kinds of reward through accomplishment and payout? I'm doing what I can to scale things with a part time job but its nevertheless an emotional tug of war.

Adventure - might as well ditch that one along with Freedom. In fact, you can't have adventure without qualities 1 and 3. Not excersizing ambition = no money, 1.5 children = no freedom. Without these two things there is little possibility for adventure. Still, I dream of the "year" we'll be able to take the tykes to Europe or somewhere outside of the country. There's just so much to see and do.

Feeling adrift can be quite unsettling for those of us Capricorns and the like who live and breath by "order" and "planning". There is nothing orderly or planned about my life at the moment. Let's see, we're having a baby in 7 weeks and are overwhelmed by thoughts of what kind of change that will bring to our lives. Add to that - we don't even know the gender! Yes, yes, by our choice, but I can't ignore the seepage of anxiety this little unknown is responsible for. Our living situation is totally up in the air as our rent which is under "favorable terms" terminates in December and we are no closer to finding a permanent abode than 6 months ago. Oh and yes, the finances - without going too far into this I'll just say that we manage fine at the moment but what kind of havoc does baby #2 wreak on that scenario. Many people say that its common to spend a couple of years in the red with a new family, but again, the Capricorn in me will have a very hard time with that. How does one spend 24 months dipping into savings just to pay the monthly expenses???? This literally blows my mind!

Which brings up inflation and the stagnation of real wage increases. How can us middle classers (whose aspirations of "upper classness" have been smooshed since leaving corporate jobs, moving to smaller cities and having babies) survive when real wages haven't increased in a decade but the cost of everything else continues to go up? I went to Whole Foods last night - because they have the best produce and organic choices around - and my bill was at least 30% more than the average of this past year. Doesn't it seem ironic that those of us who are more "green" and "support your local farmer" concious aren't the ones with the most disposable income? Because of course being green and supporting your local farmer are far more expensive than buying food products produced by Monsanto.

A quick review of the above text indicates a much needed "vent" session, which would be done in person if I lived a bit closer to my best pals. At any rate, I apologize for this. The answer to minimizing the "adriftness", of course and which was so aptly put in Yogamama's April 8th posting, is to look at your life and find the wonder and beauty in it. Of which there truly is so much. It goes without saying that life shouldnt be about material, money and ambition, but about family, laughs and friends. There are many days that my focus is squarely on the latter and I feel JUBILIANT. Today, obviously ISNT one of those days.

There is still time, however, and I'm beginning to feel better already. Thank you for that.

Life

Choose Life
only that and always,
and at whatever risk.
To let life leak out, to let it wear away by
the mere passage of time, to withhold
giving it and spreading it
is to choose
nothing.
-Sister Helen Kelley

I wrestled with whether or not to go to yoga class this morning, given my work load, then decided I would do a short home practice as a compromise. Did a half-hour sequence, got showered & dressed prior to the time class would have been done and felt good about the choice and balanced as I started the day. Then I opened our local paper. A former colleague's 16 year old son was in a car accident on his way to a soccer game. The paper described my friend clutching her son's phone and the text messages streaming in, which she will not read, as she says they now belong to him. I sat down at my computer, and received the above quote in a weekly newsletter I receive from our local zen center.

Do I have advice today? Not sure. But I took the above as a message from my deceased father, who always stated a condensed version, which is "Life is for the living."

I include the yoga practice as part of this post because it is something I found a commitment to while I was out of work, and now that I am working again, feels threatened. I work from home and I only get paid for the hours I spend literally working. But it has become something that represents a true part of life to me - and something that shouldn't be shoved aside. I will write more on this subject another day, but the kernel of a point I am trying to make is to not shove aside our personal truths, to not give up on the things that we love, however impractical they may seem.

My advice, then, I suppose, is something that keeps coming back to me again and again in the two years since my father died. Be present. Do what you love. Be TRULY present with everyone you love. Don't wait to say the things you need to say - and to do the things you need to do. It's over in a flash - and this is both the most incredibly freeing and simultaneously terrifying truth there is.

Inspirational Quotes re. Persistance

“It always seems impossible until its done.”

Nelson Mandela

"Never allow a person to tell you no who doesn't have the power to say yes.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

"Hey, you never know."
New York Lotto slogan

Finding Om in the Brillo Box

I skipped yoga this morning based on the thin excuse that there was too much snow for me to drive. Since I live in Maine and we've had about 30 feet of snow this season already, this is especially weak, but my husband was being sweet and it was my son's first day of swim lessons - how could I abandon them for a sweaty mat and some hip opening contortions?

So, instead, I made them omelets. Recently I read this article in Gourmet about one man's obsessive crusade to make the perfect omelet. I had never thought much about how to make an omelet but now I view it as a work of great art. My first, by the way was a dud, but the second one was much improved.

The real highlight of breakfast wasn't the omelet. It was the cleaning of the omelet pan. Not the inside - that part is Teflon and cleans in a snap. It was scrubbing the bottom. I'm not quite sure how this particular pan had gotten so nasty but it was dark and various shades of dark brown to black. I went in with a vengeance with my new-found-love the Brillo Pad. My mom used to always have some on hand and I remember the joy of getting hard to clean pots clean. This past thanksgiving my sibs and I stayed in the home of a fellow clean freak and discovered her stash of the Brillo. Oh, the joy! I forgot about this ingenious cleaning tool for I had been toiling away with the green scrubby for most of my adult life. I spent a good fifteen minutes putting serious arm muscle into the job, mindful to keep my shoulders relaxed, my hips aligned and my jaw relaxed. I went in circles this way and that and in this cleaning trance, the shiny, gleaming lovely All-clad omelet pan revealed itself to me. I saw my reflection in the bottom and as it happened, Krishna Das was chanting from the stereo. I had found my yoga moment after all.

Baby in the Bathroom

Just an addendum to the "To Buy or Not to Buy" question...

It's funny how one's perspective shifts by geography. If my husband and I were in NYC, or any other major city, in comparison, our current situation would seem like a mansion, which it definitely is not. We live in an open floor plan house, a loft-like setting in Santa Fe's foothills. As such, when our bundle of joy came along, we didn't have a room in which she would have privacy and quiet for naptimes and bedtime...no room, that is, except the bathroom.

We have endured 18 months of snickers and incredulity at the fact that our baby sleeps in the bathroom. We are starting construction to add two rooms to our house, but honestly, we have enjoyed a level of intimacy and comfort that we are a little bit sad to give up.

We met with an architect while I was still pregnant, who was the inspiration for this past year and a half's living conditions. We were in a hurry to get an addition planned and built before the birth. He sketched up some ideas for us as we sat and talked about our lifestyle and needs. And then before he left, he said something that slowed us down, in the best way. He said, "You know, all they know is what they're born into. My daughter lived in a teepee until she was eight. She didn't know any different."

So what's my point? Enough actually can be enough. Um, except for the fact that as I write concrete is being poured outside the door. And I'm not saying a teepee would work for most people outside of our wacky little town. (Or even us, for that matter, although we DO happen to have one. But that's another story.) Just wanted to add my own two cents after reading and sympathizing with my dear friend's post...I think we all have this picture of how it is "supposed to be", based on perhaps how we were raised or how we wished it could have been when we were children. And then, suddenly WHAT IS replaces that nagging SUPPOSED TO BE, and you realize, it's pretty damn good...even if you have to walk up too many flights of stairs while pregnant or pee squatting in the snow because you just can't wait for naptime to be over and your baby sleeps in the bathroom.

But still, fingers crossed for a new place for you before June!

To buy or not to buy?

For those in “expanding family” mode, the looming question of “expanding the home” seems inevitiable. Particularly for those of us who currently live in big cities or have recently moved from big cities (like the authors on this blog) and dwell in adequate spaces but perhaps not quite large enough for the newcomer.

Or is that a state of mind? In fact four people could easily fit (eat, sleep and all that) in our 1,800 square foot, bi-level apartment. In reality, its not even really “4” – but instead two big adults with all the usual space necessities, a small toddler and the smallest person of us all, the imminent infant. As Americans I think we’ve all gone a bit mad in this area. Having the perfect space for each person is a dream, perhaps a goal, but not a necessity.

That said, I do have major challenges with our current abode. It happens to be at the top of a 19th century brownstone, requiring a hefty walk up 3 flights of stairs before reaching the front door. To date, this has not been a problem. One gets accustomed to heaving a 30 lbs., squiggling child up multiple flights of stairs. Groceries can be tricky – but as long as the food requiring refrigeration is taken in during the toddler’s naptime, Daddy can always get the remaining bags as he comes in from work.

My son’s continued weight gain together with my own weight issues (pregnancy) and the physical challenges around that, those stairs are getting steeper and longer by the day. But even worse is the prospect of dragging the infant bucket (with person of course), all the accoutrements AND the toddler up the stairs…..hmmmm, doable? Perhaps if the spindles on the central stairwell weren’t 5 inches in diameter my son could walk up those stairs – damn those architects of the past and their wood carved banisters!!

It’s a shame really. We have a super apartment in a super location. More importantly, I’m still waiting on the real estate market to make it’s final corrections to an expensive urban area that seems to only be growing in popularity. The goal is to move before this baby comes, but we all do what is necessary when circumstances are out of our control. Fingers crossed for the perfect house in the perfect neighborhood at the perfect price - before June!

Turn off your computer

This may not be something I am able to do in the future, (when my self-employment actually picks up again) and for the good of our blog, I should not really be offering up this advice, but it is an appeal to turn off your computer. At least once a week, if possible, have a computer free day. Better yet, set aside 30 minutes a day where the computer is not an option. Last November, a close relative nearly died from complications from the flu, and it caused what my therapist coined "a flight into health." I was also inspired by a healthy friend whose life seemed so much more manageable and in-balance than mine - even as the full-time breadwinner of her family. I realized I had been living at a frantic pace, with no time for myself, and my body and mind were suffering. As the mother of an 18 month old, time is at a premium. How to make more time? TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER. Instead of rushing to the computer as soon as naptime hits, sit quietly for at least 5 minutes, listening to your breath. I think you'll be amazed at how quickly your daily 5 minutes turns into 15, and more amazing still, how making some quiet time for yourself rapidly turns into a ritual. You might be even more amazed to see what else opens up in your life for you. For me, this ritual turned into a daily yoga practice and a return to a long lost passion. What could 30 minutes a day NOT spent on the computer do for you?

But then, get back to your computer, because your friends and family are important! But make a little time for you first.

Haircuts - sometimes a bargin's not quite a bargin

The best things in life may be free but this does not apply to two things: jeans and haircuts. I recently had my first non NY city cut and after a week of feeling 10 pounds heavier and completely resigned to suburban sameness, I took the scissors into my own hands and cleaned things up. I may not have done the artful job my beloved Todd would have done, but at least I don't see myself smiling back at myself in TV ads for dishwashing soap or Swifter products.