Sanctimonious

That's how I am afraid my last post may have come off. I have been through some really intense life experiences in the last couple of years, and I am afraid in my own attempt to make sense of everything and have the bigger picture not terrify me, I have begun to pollyanna-ify even the worst case scenarios - as in, "even if you or I became one eye, it would all be great because we love each other so damn much and spiritual consciousness will save the day."

I know it would still really, really suck, and I also am aware of the fact that even if we all love each other to the moon and back, we might not be able to deal with the whole "one eye" scenario, having it or witnessing it. I guess I am feeling the need to add a little something to that last post, because it may have come across as incredibly naive, or worse still, as if I am suggesting every friend and family member be able to rise to the occasion of the horror of something happening like locked-in syndrome.

To clarify, what I meant was that I have a deep trust in my loved ones and am taking care to choose people carefully in my life. Using the "one eye" thing as a filter, taking stock in who would or would not still recognize my humanity and be able to show up - at least in letters or phone calls - is simply a good way to weed the friend garden. I used to keep a lot of people around that truly wouldn't pass this test. Having gone through the death of my father and having an aunt go through a serious illness (guillain-barre, temporary but similar to locked-in syndrome, except worse because without any vision) in the last two years has made me re-evaluate my priorities and my relationships. And my expression of gratitude in that last post was more of a statement of appreciation than a declaration of expectation. And I also wanted to make it known that I would show up - even if it would be hard as hell to see anyone I loved in that position.

I hope that erases some of the holier-than-thou aspects of that post. Last thing I want to be is some overly reverent, preachy type. That just ain't me. But it could be if I didn't watch it, or if I didn't have good friends to call me on it!